What'cha willing to do?
by crazy person alert
Summary: when Emmet plays a prank, what will Edward do? Ya don't know, cuz you haven't read it. Sequal/Compinion to 'what would you do for a klondike bar'
1. scheming

**This chapter is dedicated to reviewer "L". The only enthusiastic reviewer. This sounds sappy but, thanks dude, makes me feel good to have people like my stories that much. Edwardo (comment from last story) is OOC. I don't own Twilight, the Thinking Man (a sculpture) or the Spongebon SquarePants movie.**

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Em POV

We were going hunting. I haven't pranked any one in a little while, so I decieded to give all the mountian lions either crack or booze to see which Edwardo likes better. That way I know what to get Bella for Christmas! Well, it was either that or a boring copy of a Midsummer's Night Dream, from the play where all the acters signed and had the contemperary English version in the back, along with a biography of Shakespeare.  
Snore-fest.

SO I plannde to get her a present that Edwardo shows preference for. 30% for Bells present. 70% for my own sick pleasure! Yay, own own sick pleasure!!!!!!

But . . . how? HAH! Now I know! I will assume my brainstorming pose. It's like yoga . . . but _not_! So I sat on the couch, curled my back so my chin rested on my fist, that was on my knee. **(AN on profile)**

Jasper was walking into the room then he saw my awsome pose. His eyes got big and thenm he turned around and ran. Alice, who saw Jasper walk in screamed and followed him, yelling at the top of her lungs "RUN, JAZZY, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAAAN!!" Huh, they don't like my pose. I started to cry.

Then a deep voice from above said, calmly "Emmet, you can't cry."

"SCREW YOU AUTHOR! SCREW YOU!!!"

"Testy, testy. And I was going to tell you how to give the mountian lions the crack and booze!" the, now soprano vioce sounded.

"Author say what?" I ask.

"Well, you can do it with Esme's _mermaid magic_." it said. "AND I'M A SHE!!!" Testy, yet, Ese's magic.

"How do I get the power, Oh-Great-One -Of-Cleanliness?"

"Why you eat her dirty socks of coarse!" the vioce was very happy. Duh, of coarse I have to eat the socks. The author couldn't have just made it do?

"Oh," she said, "I could have, but this is funnier." Jerk.

So I ran into her room, and into her hamper. There was her secret cleaning supplies. Great, we thought she was off this stuff. Now she might need another intervention, the last one wa- "VICTORY!!!!!!" I found the socks. They tasted like chicken. Icky.

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**Yeah that wasn't my best, but theres barely any plot yet. With any hope it'll get better. But it's a sequal, so it'll either twice as bad or completely awsome!! -crosses fingers muttering 'awsome awsome awsome' under her breath-**


	2. NOT A CHAPTER!

**I had an idea for a story, in which the point of the plot is a topic I am beyond passionate about. I apologize for the fact that I MAY put this on hiatus for this story. I hope that you will forgive me. I know thee's only one chaptewr and I'm sorry. I know this isn't a chapter and I did say so.**

**The plot I have is that Bella has autism and Edward deals with blood lust for someone whom hardly knows of the danger. It will, most likely be one of those hundred chapter stories. I am sorry if this disappoints you, but it is about time computer class came in handy (where I learned all this formal crap), unfortunately. I am truly sorry when this hiatus comes, but I feel that it would be respectable to say that my be writing less. Though, the writing of the other story, for which I have no title and I if you don't hate me I am open to suggestions, will take off fairly quickly and may finish quickly. I will put up a similar, yet less formal, authors note.**

**My sincerest apologies for taking up your time and I hope you may forgive me,**

**crazy person alert**


	3. that skanky bitch

**I don't own Twilight. Edwards OOC. Sorry for my lack of wit. I took it out and replaced it with, um, sarcasm & Christmas spirit, for I don't want to see Tiny Tim die. I just realized I need to say that I don't own Dane Cook. If I did we would play Halo inbetweenwhen my sister claimed him to do unmentionablethings. Still on a kinda-hiatus. I'm just warning you that for a while my chapters will have long spaces between them.**

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Author POV (a new one)

Emmet ate a sock, then called up to me "Has it done it? Are they now filled with booze/crack?"

Stifling giggles I called "Yes Emmet." and madeit so then started singing McHammer.

Edward POV

We're going on a bear hunt! We're going on a bear hunt!

I'm not allowed near 3 year old again. They fill my head with the stupidest songs. The mountain lions all smelled really good today. They each had a distinctive smell. One I recognized off of the humans I ate in my old days and another of Mike Newton. Weird, so I ate 5 of the non-Newton ones.

Bella POV

I awaited anxiously for Edward to arrive home. I missed him so much. I was laying down in my bed when Edward was suddenly there with his arm layedhaphazardly on my hip, not waist, hip and the other supporting his neck. His breaths, smelt strangely of blood and drugs. I recognized the smell from the creep-osin Phoenix.

Suddenly I remembered Emmet muttering about drugging mountian lions. Crap, how did he do it?

I looked into Edwards eyes and all I saw was lust. Chances are he's drugged. He kissed me, without boundaries, and then I _knew_he was on drugs. No matter how good it was, I pulled away.

"Don't you love me?" he whispered. He was here enough to remember Charlie.

"Of course I love you. How could you doubt that?" I ask, wondering how high he is.

"You pulled away." He said.

"Well, I love you."

"Prove it. . ." he whispered. I was a Cullen-in-training and this was prank gold. A horny, drugged vampire who is hopelessly in love with me! Alice would be so proud! I moved before he could kiss me pouted and shook my head.

"No,it's just I don't know if _you_ love_ me_?" I whispered, trying to make my voice sexy.

"I love Bella. Kiss me." He leaned in again and tried to look uncertain, while holding in laughter. He pouted. "How can I prove to you I love you?" He asked. Put his hand at my upper waist. "Here?" He asked. "Here?" his hand sunk to my hip. "Here?" His hand rubbed the outside of my upper thigh. "I think it's here." He said as his hand sunk between my thighs, lightly rubbing and throwing my heart out of beat.

Thumping erratically and loudly, my heart felt like it was in my throat as I tried to talk around it, saying as huskily as possible I whispered, "That won't prove anything."

"What will?" he asked, visibly disappointed.

"I need to know you're faithful. How do you feelabout Tanya?" he looked disgusted and I beamed on the inside.

"Her blond hairis odious where yours glows. It is greasy where yours shines cleanly. Her face is always grotesque where yours is gorgeous. Tanya's body repels where yours attracts. She is hateful where you are only kind. She is horny where you are pure. Her thoughts nauseate me where yours eludeme. I hate the skankybitch." He beamed with prideand leaned in to kiss me again.

"Nuh-uh!" I shook my finger in his face. "I need to know you'd do anything for me, so I think we should play a game of dares."

". . .Really?" he askeshis hand moving a little north to play with the band of the short shorts. I think he tried to sound sexy, but he looked more drugged. "Nothing you'd rather do?"

"Either that or play monopoly with Emmet, Because that game always ends in 'fuck this game!!!!' Seeing that wold be freaking hilarious." He looked at me funny. "What? It's not like I want to name a kid 'Herrrrrrrr'or 'Megatron'!"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "What? HmmmI dare you, then you dare me? AS long s it isn't sex!"I added to lower his hopeful face.

He nodded, "Bring is!"

"I dare you to. . ."

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**BWAHAHAHAHA! Cliffy! Oh and I now sex is what Bella wants, but she's saying no because I offered her a big cybercookie!**

**Bella: -eating cybercookie-**

**Finally some plot!!! This is probably the last you'll here of me till X-mas, so Feliz Navidad! Sorry I just like Spanish, but I'm not fluent enough to write a story. The best I can do is: Alice, el pelo negro chica, encanta ir de compras. Alice, the blacked haired girl, loves to go shopping.**


	4. badabababa I hate it!

". . .to eat a Happy Meal from McDonald's!" of all the human food establishments there is none and I mean NONE more hated by the Cullen's then McDonald's.

"But Bella, that place is poison!"

"I know."

"Then why would you make me eat there?"

I gave in excuse he could never resist. OK high him could never resist, "The toys are new. And that one chimpanzee from Donkey Kong."

He gasped. "Lets go!" then realized something, that not even _I_ realized "I need a shirt."

He had come shirtless and I didn't even realize. Oh frig! Then I remembered that Alice had bought me a stretchy blouse with so many frills, I'm not sure that there's a shirt under there. I got up and ran into the closet. I buried it under the shirts I could actually wear with dignity, so I wouldn't have to constantly brush past it. I found the demon shirt and ran back to Edward who was looking around the room, for me I suppose.

"Yay! Your back! That the shirt I'm gunna wear?" He was excited, why, I'll never know. I nod and he puts the shirt on.

I have to tell the others! I text Alice. **(AN Bella is italics and Alice is underlined with italics)**

_quik! go 2 McDonaldz!!!!!!_

_Y? Y on erth?_

_Edies gunna hav a happy meal!_

_c u in2 hourz_

I cackled evilly. "Come on Edward! You have love to prove!" I called quietly enough not to wake Charlie. He followed and I drove down. The drive was funny in a annoying sort of way. The nearest McDonald's was in Port Angles.

"Are we there yet?" Edward asks.

"No." I answer.

"When will we be?" And the interrogation begins.

"When you see the big yellow arches we will be there."

"Whats an arch?"

"A half circle thingy that grows out of the ground. Kinda."

"Bella?"

"Yes Edward?"

"What exactly is a thingy?"

"How about you ask Alice, when we get there? She would know. She's so much smarter then me." He would forget before he tried to make himself remember to remember.

"OK. Are we there yet?" That continued for the better part of an hour. You laugh, but it's infuriating.

So we get there and I get my vampire boyfriend a hamburger Happy Meal. There was so much wrong with that sentence, I need to laugh at it.

Edward chose a table and I sat down with him and gave him his food.

"It smells funny." He crinkled his nose. Emmett was by his side in an instant and Alice by mine.

"Do you love Bella?" Alice asked calmly, her face impassive.

"Yes, of course!!!" He said as though he could not imagine someone thinking otherwise. And he probably couldn't.

"Then you have to do as you promised. Ladies don't like liars." Emmett through in. He was in on it too. One second the food was in the bag, the next it was all over the table, in the next second it all disappeared. Paper bags and all.

"Did he even eat the paper. . .?" I asked. Alice nodded grinning and Emmett clapped him on the back.

"So, Bella I dare you-"

"No sex!" I through in.

He continued, his face a little lower then before, as he continued his sentence with. . .

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**-cackles- CLIFFY! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! Yeah, I'm crazy as an albino birch tree. I' also crazy enough to think of that. Please review with any suggestions, or just to say Hi****!**


	5. flirty burglaries

"I dare you to go around screaming that you robbed a bank, then when someone comes to arrest you, and you will be arrested, you gotta flirt with the police officer. No matter who it is." Edward was very articulate for a high person.

"NO WAY!"

Emmet was laughing hysterically.

"Damn you Emmett!"

"Sorry Bella."

"It's OK!" I sighed. "I'll need some props. Alice can you get me a burlap bag, with a green dollar sign on the side."

"Sure." She ran off at human sped cackling very menacingly to anyone who knew her. To anyone else, she had a very unusual, yet tinkling laugh. She knew what would happen.

"I also need a ski mask and a black outfit."

"Why didn't you tell Alice to get those?" Emmet asked.

"Have you _met _her?" I answered with a question.

"True."

A half an hour we were standing on a street corner with me donned in my burglar costume. Alice still had a faint pout on from us clothes shopping without her.

I took a deep breath. "Here I go." I muttered and took off.

"HAHAHAHA!!!! I DID IT!!! THEY SAID I COULDN'T DO IT!!!! I ROBBED THEM!!!! I GOT ALL THE MONEY!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!!" I did a little hop here, somehow managing not to fall over. I was really into this. "I ROBBED'EM!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!! HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" I continued like that for a few more runs around the block. Each time I circled, the vampires laughed harder and harder.

Then a police officer stopped me. It was Charlie. _". . .flirt with the police officer. No matter who it is." _Crap! I need to flirt with my father. I could step out, but that wouldn't be any fun for the others. Yeah, I was worried about their enjoyment, but that was the only reason I was doing this.

That and if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to dare Edward and Emmett will laugh at me.

Ao Charlie walked up to me and asked "Bells, are you OK?" very seriously.

"You **will**, tell me what he's thinking!" I whispered so only Edward could here. Then to Charlie I said "Well, what's it _look_like I'm doing?" I tried to look at him up from my eyelashes, like when I was trying to trick the answers out of Jake at the beach. He appeared alarmed. Not suprising.

"Bella, you need to breath into this. OK?" He asked very slowly and showed me a breathilizar thing. I giggled.

"No dad, I'm not drunk. I'm going to go that way, follow me if you dare." I ended in what I hoped was a overly trying to be sexy but isn't because they're/you're trying to hard.

"That was torture and you know it!" I accused.

"You stillwant to know what he's thinking?" Edward asked.

"He thought I was drunk?"

"Yep!!" -Sigh- He was very high.

"Edward I dare you to. . ."

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**I lurv cliffies!!! On the giving end of them of course. Sorry for you guys!!! -jk- I just like to keep you reading, just in case. I'm open to suggestions, if you have them!!!! OH and this and the next one are in BPOV. Unless I type otherwise. Sorry for the confusion. If any.**


	6. Jug of fruit

**As usual, Dane Cook is my muse. If you don't listen to him, you should. I don't own him, if you do, would you mind sharing? I also don't own any books or other stuff mentioned in this. The plot, you may have. I hate people saying 'don't steal my plot', yeah well, take mine. It'll be OK, see it wants you! -plot reaches a baby-like hand toward you, making a soft cooing niose-. Yeah well, read this. It'll be almost funny. OK, more then that. So read. I command you. That and this AN is getting kind of rambly. Do you people actually read these things? Huh, something to ponder as you READ THE STORY!!!!**

BPOV

OK, so I had sudden inspiration. By sudden inspiration, I mean a kid with a red drink walked by. "Edward, I dare you to crash through peoples walls asking people if they want kool-aid." I paused, to breath, and before anyone else could speak I said "Dressed as the Kool-Aid man! While trying to renact the commercials."

Edward took a minute to remember what was going on, then glared at me, while Emmett laughed hysterically and Alice's eyes glazed over, presumably at the prospect of getting the supplies.

"Let's shop!!!" she cried. I got out of the last trip, but I don't see how I can get out of this one.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Emmett screamed. Alice grabbed his hair and brought his face don't to hers. She stopped when his face was an inch from her own and growled: "Yes. You. Will. And like it!!!!" He whimpered. One word. Woah.

"Lets roll'em!!!" I called and ran, Edward on my heels. Alice jumped up and around, dragging Emmet and bent over from her gripping his hair from her pixie height.

5 HOURS OF TORTURE LATER **(AN sorry, I just hate shopping scenes.)**

OK, so recap. I now have a new headband. Alice has a new Prada scarf. Emmett has a new pair of sunglasses. And Edward has a new Kool-Aid costume, compleete with a red liquid between two planes of glass attached together in a tube, so it actually sloshes. Alice was good.

"So, that house!" I said pointing to a random house, and set back for some laughs.

POV OF A RANDOM 6 YR OLD KID!!!! (think that to the title "Conffessions of a teenage drama queen)

So I was sitting down, just eating my lunch when KABAMOO!!! I big red kool-aid jug comes through the wall, taking out the counter.

"Oh YEAH!!!!" he screamed.

"What. The. Fuck???" I screamed. He looked shocked. "You explode through my god damn window and all you have to say is 'Oh YEAH'???? What the frigging hell you douche bag???"

"Don't you want to skateboard with me? Drink the red juices from me?" he asked meekly.

"NO YOU SHIT-BRAINED PERV!!!!!!! I DON _NOT_ WANT TO DRINK YOU!!! What the fuck am I going to tell my dad? "Oh, Daddy the red jug man broke the WALL not me!" Seriously?????"

". . .uh. Imma go now!" he said and ran out the door. Whatever. I sat down and finished my lunch.

B POV!!!!!!

I sat there laughing. No really, I had toppled over and was sitting on the ground, my bum now coated in dirt, and laughed hysterically, gasping for air.

Edward skipped over his red juice sloshing. We were right across the street so it didnt take long and I could here everything they said, but Edward. That poor little boy! Where had he picked up words like that?

"That was great Edward!" i slid in between gasps for air and giggles.

"Amazing!" Emmet gasped and Alice wasnt exactly coherrant.

She was in a vision. Three seconds later she snapped out of it and started to snicker.

"What?" Emmet asked warily and edward was just sorta standing there, shifting his weight from foot to foot.

Then...

"OHMYGOSH!!!!!!!!!!!" a shrill screech, that could only be Jessica, sounded and with a swift turn I saw her pointing at Edward the man in the Kool-aid man suit, with lust. Now, my childrens, you could not regognize Edward in this suit.

"Mr. Kool-aid man! I love you!" she cried and flung herself at him and began to try to sip from the top of the jug's rim. Edward was standing there, shell-shocked. Emmet was leaning against Alice for support, who was using her knees. I was leanin on Emmet and tears were coming from my eyes.

"Wait-" she said slowly, pulling away from her mad attemp to drink, but there was nothing in there. Then she looked and saw the hole in the little kid's wall and saw the crumbled bits of it in Edwards suit and must have noticed his pale skin, 'cause she ran away screaming

"MICHEAL JACKSON!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!! HE WILL RAPE YOUR SONS!!!! RUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!! MICHEAL JACKSON!!!!!!! AEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Edward looked at her running away and at us, gasping for breath and summed it up with one manly sentence that through us all over the edge.

"WTF Bell?"

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**I'm sorry I dont update enough, but I became irated at this story for easons unknown and it was deleted so I had to rewrite it, plus my other stories, which are also fairly neglected.**

**OK GUYS!!!! IM ON A GOSHDAMN MISSION HERE!!!!**

**IS THERE A POSSIBLILITY THAT YOU GUYS COULD HELP ME FIND A FIC THAT I CANT FIND?**

**So this Japanese short chick (oc) moves to Forks with the vampire that killed her parents. She is a werewolf. I forget the names. Ten a she-vamp gets married or comes to life with Mr. Vampire with her son, whos a vampire. Here's something distinctive. Jake imprints on said werewolf chick. HELP ME!!!!!!!! I CANT FIND IT ANY WHERE AND I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR MONTHS!!!! TAKE PITY ON MY SOUL!!!!**


	7. Volvos in the sky

**This is the second to last chapter of this FAN-FICTION, WHOSE CHARACTERS I DON'T OWN! I also hope to be a better updater in the future. Just saying.**

3RD PERSON!!!

Edward was staggering about, shifting his weight from one marble pillar of a leg to the other.

"Edward?" called Bella, "It's your turn to dare me."

Edward saw a dog and thought about how much Bella loved her doggy-man. Jacob. Edward's befuddled mind was to thick to think much more then "_Bella likes Jacob . . .The dog . . . The mutt. I don't like the mutt._" So he devised a plan. It was a devious one and clever, for someone whom had never been in this predicament, to think of. He would dare Bella to kiss Jacob, but if she truly loved Edward, then she wouldn't and would only kiss Edward ever again. To Edward, his plan was foolproof.

But remember kiddies, as Murphy's laws tell us, nothing is foolproof to an accomplished fool.

"Bella," Edward slurred, concentrating _very_ hard on his annunciation. This was important, "I dare you to kiss Jacob."

Alice gasped and started snickering, a descant musical accompaniment to Emmet's timpani-like guffaws. Bella's eyes appeared to have moved past the speed of thought, which is much faster then the speed of light, into a new realm of measurement, called "Unseeable to Vampire". One moment they were inquiring, curious and in less then a one thousandth of a nano second, to fast for sight; even for a vampire, they seemed to be trying to escape her head in their wideness. Her shock forcing her eyes void of all emotion in her frozen face, on her suprise-stilled body, clearly read one phrase, "Huh?"

"Really?" asked Alice, her voice sodden in giggles, while Edward nodded groggily, "OK Bella, sorry." Alice was in no way shape or form sorry, "Go get your chapstick."

"Whats wrong with my lips?" asked Bella, her fingers delicatly patting her mouth.

"Nothing!" said Alice to quickly for reassurance. Emmet was highly absorbed in either his shoes, or ignoring the conversation around him. Edward didnt want to get wrapped up in this either. He stayed queit, though he wanted to Bella she was perfect as usual.

Bella sighed in defeat, "OK. I'll drive myself. Remember; you cant come!" Bella grinned. All she had to do was get in Jacobs scent and bit her lips a bit. She walked to her rusting truck before anyone else could see her logic, or guess her plan.

"Wait! Bella! We need proof! I'll get some spy gear! We'll know if your really kissing him." Emmet ran of at thew speed of "Unseeable to Vampire" to the Cullen home.

"Spy gear?" Bella asked, eyebrow high.

Alice shook her head, "He got it from McDonalds when he still thought he could eat and the like." Alice winced at the memory, "tried to get me to eat some" Bella grimanced sympathetically.

Edward was busy playing Connect-The-Dots with the clouds. He didnt know why. It seemed like a waste of time, but a shrinking part of him was more compulsatory and he gave in. So far he had gotten the shape of Bella, Bella's scent, Bella's head, a Volvo, the smell of Volvo gas, the smell of a new Volvo and Swiss cheese. He was just finishing Bella in a Volvo when he was rudely thrust into Bella's car.

"are we going?" he yelped/asked, his head subtly clearing, do to the slight, dentless bang to the car.

"Yep." said Emmet gleefully. Alice was resisting the urge to clap. Bella grumbled and turned the car into drive. She spun the wheel like a true Cullen-to-be and nearly took down a fire hydrent (she missed, to Emmet's dismay) and zoomed toward the boundry line the reservation. The one whose name could be dirty or voilent, depending on the user's inflections.

**I might do a epilougue to this, if enough people want me to. I have another regular chapter up my sleeve then, save the possible epilougue, I'm done with this story. Again, if enough people want me to, I may make another sequal about Alice and freeing Bella and Rosalie; after earning it! But I'll only do that if enough people want me to, and it wont be that long. A three shot at the most. I know this was short, but hey. I wrote it in about a half in hour listening to "Lip gloss" by Lil' Mama. CUZ THAT BUBBLE GUM IS POPIN'. ITS POPIN'. You know what else is popin'? REVIEWS!!!**


	8. HOSTAGE

**I AM HOLDING THIS STORY HOSTAGE!!!**

**THE RANSOM IS 5 REVIEWS FOR ME TO START WRITING THE NEXT CHAPTER AND 3 MORE TO POST IT.**

**I REALIZE THIS IS BITCHY**

**BUT I'M A BITCH**

**SO, I ALREADY KNOW I'M BEING BITCHY**

**BUT I FEEL UNLOVED (I already have low self esteem) AND LIKE YOU DONT LIKE IT**

**AND ITS A SEQUAL. ARENT THOSE SUPPOSED TO GET MORE REVIEWS?**

**SO. HOSTAGE. RANSOM. 5 REVIEWS TO WRITE. 3 TO POST. HAVE A NICE DAY.**


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